1 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:17,400 ENERGIA presents 2 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:31,480 A SAMULI TORSSONEN production 3 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:45,880 A TIMO VUORENSOLA film 4 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:41,960 I would like to suggest, Emperor, that you reconsider your plan. 5 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:47,040 The scientists are comparing it to Russian roulette. 6 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:52,160 What theories we have on phenomena like the maggot hole - 7 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:57,840 indicate a tendency for continually increasing disturbances. 8 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:03,880 So what else is new. Can we pass through there? 9 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:09,200 Our ships weren't designed for twist pressures over one googol fluxoms. 10 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:14,880 So in other words, you don't have a clue. 11 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:21,400 Why's everybody talk back all the time? Try walking in my shoes! 12 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:30,200 It's no cakewalk, managin' the whole world by myself. 13 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:37,320 Gotta admit, sometimes I think I've gotten in too deep. 14 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:43,520 This mess began 8 years ago. My ship blew up and I was stuck in the past. 15 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,000 My remaining crew and I went native - 16 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:53,480 'cos otherwise, we'd have changed the course of history. 17 00:03:54,480 --> 00:04:00,480 The only good thing in the life of the man in the street was burgers. 18 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,480 With extra cheddar. 19 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:39,880 Hullo. 20 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:58,520 I'm Captain Pirk, by the way. - Oh. 21 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,120 I'm from the future. 22 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:08,920 Look, I've got a ray gun. - Hey, I can see it's a water gun. 23 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:14,280 What? It's a hand twinkler, stoopid! - Right. 24 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:22,480 I got a communicator, too. I'll call Info. He can prove I'm who I say. 25 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,080 Don't bother... 26 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:38,080 This is a place for people to eat, not for you to play with yer balls. 27 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,200 Look where you're going, asshole. 28 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:44,320 Keep away or I'll shoot! - Look, a Super Soaker. 29 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:49,400 It's a hand twinkler, you dumbass! And I got a bag of whoopass for you! 30 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,080 Ya gonna get your baggy ass whooped. 31 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:57,160 The batteries are shot. Oh Thursday, no! 32 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,680 Bobby's Grill. 33 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:17,200 Pirk to Dwarf. - Captain! It's been a while. 34 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:21,600 Yeah, well, Info's been going on about messing with the timeline. 35 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:25,920 Me, I can't wait to get away. - Same here. 36 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:32,080 Old Earth is much more boring than its barbarous reputation would suggest. 37 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,160 Just a second, Sir. 38 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:42,280 That's three hot dogs and a sausage roll, to eat here? One minute... 39 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:48,160 Sorry, Sir. These morons won't let me have a moment's rest. 40 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,040 And don't throw up everywhere! 41 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,440 We're closed! 42 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:07,200 Listen, I'm tired of waiting. We need to plan our next move. 43 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:10,320 Meet me and Info at the usual place. 44 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,520 Hot dogs! Hot dogs! 45 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:18,760 Right. I'll call him just as soon as I can rid these dimwits! 46 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:25,920 Lily-livered kids! I'll make hot dogs of your intestines! 47 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:41,960 The arrival of the Vulgars shoulda been a new beginning for humanity. 48 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:47,880 When they happened along, they ended up with rock star Jeff Cochbrane. 49 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:53,760 It was a mistake, leaving 'em in the care of that drunkard idiot. 50 00:07:54,000 --> 00:08:00,000 Soon, the Vulgars could care less about humanity or new beginnings. 51 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:11,280 Good thing I had a backup plan. 52 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:16,600 But I couldn't do it without Dwarf and Info's help. 53 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:25,280 I hope you have a good reason. We may be endangering the timeline. 54 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:30,640 Yes, in fact I do. Take a look at this! 55 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,240 "Lesbian housewives getting busy?" 56 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:39,680 At this, I mean. 57 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,400 What an unexpected development. 58 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:50,520 The entire space program cancelled! 59 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:53,680 Not like the history we know. 60 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:59,200 The antimaterial power breakthrough should have been announced today. 61 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:03,600 That's why we have to do something. We'll make the P-Fleet happen! 62 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:07,640 Your proposal is in direct violation of the First Directive! 63 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:10,280 If we don't, the timeline's history! 64 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:16,760 We'll have to have peace, universal language, tights for uniforms, - 65 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,960 and a defense against the Korg! 66 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:22,120 As the only Captain, I'm ordering - 67 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:26,840 that we'll ensure the founding of the P-Fleet, by any means necessary! 68 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:31,280 Future technology in the hands of these people could spell disaster. 69 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:36,880 That's why the world needs a strong leader. Someone like... me! 70 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,280 I'm gonna be Emperor. 71 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:44,400 One heavy cruiser should be enough to conquer this world. 72 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:48,800 Everyone would be at our mercy. - Unfortunately we do not have one. 73 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:54,640 And we cannot build one without an antimaterial powerplant. 74 00:09:55,000 --> 00:10:00,000 But I know where we can get one. Gimme that phone. 75 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:08,880 Cochbrane. Oh, it's you... hi. 76 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:12,920 Listen, where's the ship? - What, the Vulgar rocket-ship? 77 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:17,000 We sold it to some Russian scientist type for top dollar. 78 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:21,320 What? Who? - Vladimir something, I forget. 79 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:26,680 Where's this Vladimir live then? - Chanistanya Nuclear Plant, I think. 80 00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:32,080 Who the hell gave you permission to sell the ship, you son of a bitch? 81 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:34,160 Well thanks the same, you... 82 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:43,440 The junkie bastard sold the ship to the Russians! Goddammit! 83 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:54,400 Now what do we do? - We're off to Russia, numbskull. 84 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,720 Atomic Research Facility, Chanistanya 85 00:10:56,840 --> 00:11:00,840 Luckily the missing Vulgar ship was surprisingly quickly located. 86 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:05,920 It was the only thing on the planet that could let me build my flagship. 87 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:34,280 What's ze problem? What? Bloody Western teknology! 88 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:40,720 Vladimir! Ze reaktor is overheating! Ze kooling system is on ze fritz! 89 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:45,800 Damnation! And ze kontrol system is lokking up again. Sergey! 90 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:51,160 Sergey! Where are you, Sergey? - What? 91 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:56,440 You used to work at a nuklear plant? - Yeah, the Chernobyl facility. Why? 92 00:11:56,560 --> 00:12:00,560 Kooling system problems, but zat's what you do best, right? 93 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:05,080 Go check out ze reaktor chamber. - Gee, thanks. 94 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:13,160 Chernobyl. Why's zat sound familiar? - Chernobyl... 95 00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,560 CHERNOBYL! 96 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,480 Fukoooov! 97 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,360 Piece of pie. 98 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:59,080 Make damn sure you never touch ze kooling system again, Sergey! 99 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:02,880 Yeah! - Yes, Sir, Captain. 100 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:07,920 I thought it was the climate control for my quarters. I was cold! 101 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:27,040 You're now my prisoners! Do exactly what I say, or it's whoopass time! 102 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:33,040 Is it a revolution? - Yeah, you could say that. 103 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:37,440 At last! Ze Soviet Union will be reborn! 104 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:43,640 We will be free from ze yoke of kapitalism! Hooray! 105 00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:48,120 What the hell? Aren't they gonna put up a fight? 106 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:51,320 Perhaps you should just play along. 107 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:57,480 Okay: I'm Emperor Pirk, and we'll build a new ship here in Tachanya - 108 00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:00,080 and with it, a brave new Empire! 109 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:08,160 So that's how it got started. 110 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:13,520 The nearby village had the space and the manpower to found the P-Fleet. 111 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:21,440 Info got the flagship project to lead, I had better things to do. 112 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:28,760 I told 'em to be ready in 6 months, but they wasted years of my time! 113 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:38,600 I realized I had to be a charismatic leader, so the flab had to go. 114 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:46,880 It was hard work, but my determination paid off. 115 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:52,960 The ElectroForce ButtDoer! Order Now, for only 5,999 roubles! 116 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,800 Several months later 117 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,480 Took your sweet time, didn't you? 118 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:45,040 The negotiations with the Russian President had also gone well. 119 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:50,640 My plan hinged on having a powerful ally. 120 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:24,440 Ah, what an entrance. A pleasure to meet you at last! 121 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,840 Sure... I've got our contract here. 122 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,240 I'll just look this over... 123 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:44,160 Everything seems to be as agreed... 124 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:50,520 I can't be bothered to read it. I'll just sign it. Igor, a pen! 125 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:57,320 We will make this world a better place! 126 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:04,160 The alliance with Russia made it possible to begin war preparations. 127 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:10,280 Soon, we had lots of gear and troops were being trained on schedule. 128 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,800 Come on, come on! No pain, no gain! 129 00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:18,400 You'll never make real soldiers! 130 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:24,080 The moment of truth finally arrived. 131 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:31,960 With our forces ready to rumble, it was time to play our trump card: 132 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:37,560 the flagship of the P-Fleet, the CPP Kickstart. 133 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,560 Emperor on deck! 134 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,760 Lookin' good! 135 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,560 Tactical is still missing a chair! 136 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:04,360 Now, we wouldn't want your powerful thigh muscles to atrophy. 137 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,480 Are we all set to go? 138 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:20,200 Yes, Sir. Power level at 96.3 percent. 139 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:27,520 Let's go and conquer the world. Were there any questions? 140 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:31,520 So you're the famous Emperor Pirk? 141 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:38,480 This is me, in all my glory. 142 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,000 Right... 143 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,320 Let's move! 144 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:22,360 I don't think I'm in Moscow anymore. 145 00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:26,080 Welcome aboard the CPP Kickstart. 146 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:31,480 Perhaps Mr President would like to witness the capabilities my ship. 147 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,640 This is an honor! 148 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,480 First we'll pay the Yanks a visit. 149 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,480 Full twist, now! 150 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:59,040 What is it this time? Russian workmanship at its finest! 151 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:06,240 Due to impure antimaterial gas, we can only achieve Twist Factor Two. 152 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:11,160 Dwarf, target that piece of junk. We'll see if the weapons work! 153 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:16,400 Nyet! One moment! What are you...? - Fire twinklers and light balls! 154 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:28,760 It wasn't built by Americans alone! Billions of roubles went into it! 155 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:33,840 Relax, Gramps. We'll build a newer and better one. 156 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,760 P- Fleet Propaganda Bureau Presents: 157 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:45,080 VICTORY TO VICTORY 158 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:53,840 The beginning of the 3rd Millennium: poverty, famine, disease. 159 00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:03,000 Leaders spoke of freedom, but sent children to die in meaningless wars. 160 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:13,800 Mother Russia nurtured a new hero from the ranks of the oppressed. 161 00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:21,040 Side by side, Emperor Pirk and President Ulyanov led the way. 162 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:31,760 The road was long, but working hard, we proved that nothing is impossible. 163 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:37,160 We were ready for humanity's final battle. 164 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:41,320 Our men sallied forth to liberate our oppressed Northern brethren. 165 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,120 TO ARMS, BROTHERS! 166 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:51,160 Together, the brave men of Russia and the technology of tomorrow - 167 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:57,040 shook the old world to the core. 168 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:04,920 Reactionaries were swept away before the cunning of Emperor Pirk. 169 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:16,120 Their leaders, faced with certain defeat, deserted their cities. 170 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:24,080 But Europe could no longer offer them sanctuary. 171 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:30,080 Our victorious armies, headed for a better world, shook our enemies - 172 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:33,120 with the marching of a million feet. 173 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:45,960 Soon, the stakes were driven to the heart of the Old Continent. 174 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:51,080 With Europe liberated, the people of the world turned their attention - 175 00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:56,120 to that old devil, the United States of America. 176 00:23:56,480 --> 00:24:01,480 They filled the skies with death, and were undone by it. 177 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:12,600 We taught that monster of old the true meaning of freedom. 178 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:19,640 The time was right for a brave new empire: - 179 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:21,720 the P-Fleet was born. 180 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:38,800 What? What is it? 181 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:44,800 Get your hands off! I'm your President! Get off! 182 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:51,680 You... you snake, you tyrant. We had an agreement, you traitor! 183 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,880 No, no! Don't shoot! Nooo! 184 00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:15,760 That's how I became Emperor of the world. 185 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:25,040 A fleet of warships was built with the combined resorts of the Earth. 186 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:30,960 Gotta be ready if some slime-faces from outer space come callin'! 187 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:35,520 Really, I did all I could for mankind, but did anybody thank me? 188 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:41,840 No, they just whined about famine and overpopulation and stuff. 189 00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:02,920 What's this racket? Get off my lawn or I'll light-ball your asses! 190 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:06,000 Down with Pirk! Down with Pirk! 191 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:12,960 So I thought of a solution: expand to other planets. 192 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:18,160 Only our primitive ships couldn't go very far, and - 193 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,720 closer planets weren't habitable. 194 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:26,360 We did try one or two, but without too much luck. 195 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,320 The CPP Kalinka was a cheap bucket - 196 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:48,880 tasked to patrol the backwaters for a few years or until it rusted out. 197 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:55,200 The captain was just the man for the job. 198 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:12,240 Capt Sergey Fukov of the CPP Kalinka to unidentified vessel: - 199 00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:18,360 I... identify yourselves! - Third directive of Emperor Pirk: - 200 00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:24,440 All non-P-Fleet craft are to be destroyed on sight. 201 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:35,760 How odd... I scanned the ship right before the explosion. 202 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:38,880 It had one occupant... human. 203 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:44,280 How did a one-man craft get this far from Earth? 204 00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:47,360 I dunno. Let's call the Emperor! 205 00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:58,880 Now what? - We saw a ship in Epsilon Quadrant. 206 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:02,760 Huh? - Dunno who it was, we destroyed it! 207 00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:08,000 Are you shooting at our own guys? See you in court martial! Oww, shit! 208 00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:13,960 Who the hell hired YOU, anyway? - You did! But it wasn't one of ours! 209 00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:20,040 Go tell Info, I have soap in my eyes. I could lose my sight, you know! 210 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:23,920 And who left the soap on the floor? 211 00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:55,800 Now what?! - We had a meeting at two o'clock. 212 00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:59,800 Didn't it occur to you it might be two PM, wiseguy? 213 00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:03,800 Your expression was ambiguous, Sir. - Riight... 214 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:10,120 It's about Captain Fukov's report. - What about it? 215 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:15,720 Considering the possible vectors and size of the ship they encountered, - 216 00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:20,480 the ship must have originated near the other end of the maggot hole. 217 00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:22,560 Yeah, yeah, get to the point. 218 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:28,160 There must be an unknown human civilization that built the ship. 219 00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:33,240 Considering our tough situation... - ... We can take over their planets! 220 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:38,600 I would have asked them for aid. - Well it's not your decision. 221 00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:41,760 Prepare the fleet for battle! 222 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:08,200 Capt... Captains of the P-Fleet. You have been assembled for a reason. 223 00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:17,120 Beyond this maggot hole, there's a lot of very nice space. 224 00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:20,200 We'll take it, by force, if need be! 225 00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:26,640 You have your order papers. - I don't have no papers! 226 00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:32,800 Fukov! Interrupt me again, and I'll have you scrubbing bulkheads again! 227 00:30:32,840 --> 00:30:34,840 You're sitting on top of 'em. 228 00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:43,240 All available ships will be used, so there's no room for failure! 229 00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:47,640 That's why I'm leading the mission myself. 230 00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:51,320 There goes our last hope for victory... 231 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:56,880 We're leaving tomorrow morning, at six o'clock. Any questions? 232 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:44,040 Meanwhile in a parallel universe... 233 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:21,440 Ambassador Flush, welcome aboard the Babel 13. 234 00:32:23,040 --> 00:32:24,040 Yes 235 00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:27,960 We weren't expecting you for... - Yes 236 00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:35,240 May I ask? - Yes 237 00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:38,200 It's nothing. 238 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:46,840 Jonny! Sorry to interrupt. I've got some bad news. 239 00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:52,960 This is our Chief of Security, Mikhail Garybrandy. 240 00:32:57,080 --> 00:33:02,080 Look sharp, this is an important... - What're you going on about? 241 00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:14,960 Lt Kefir took a Star Flurry for a drunken joyride last night. 242 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:20,960 What? Why didn't you stop him? - I was so dru... dreadfully tired. 243 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:25,960 Where's Kefir now? 244 00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:32,240 In the morning, I sent a patrol out. This is all they found. 245 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:40,240 Oh my God. - What? 246 00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:45,720 Aliens have crystallized Kefir! 247 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:55,640 Jonny, this is a data crystal. >From Kefir's flight recorder. 248 00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:03,920 Crystallized Kefir... 249 00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:11,960 Scream my rank! 250 00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:31,080 Where did that ship come from? - Dunno. But it sure is butt-ugly. 251 00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:35,640 Could it mean... - What? 252 00:34:35,800 --> 00:34:39,800 The prophecies of the Minibar are coming true. 253 00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:44,880 A great darkness will come, and we're all going to die. 254 00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:48,320 Jonny, you're scaring me. 255 00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:52,880 "The One to rule them all and in the darkness bind them", I've read it. 256 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:55,000 Now, let's get back to reality, huh? 257 00:34:56,960 --> 00:34:59,960 An itching nose must be scratched. 258 00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:05,560 There you have it, Mikhail! 259 00:35:05,720 --> 00:35:11,720 We have to trust the instincts that served our ancestors so well. 260 00:35:14,720 --> 00:35:17,320 Ivanovitsa, we need reinforcements. 261 00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:22,640 Call in all ships in the vicinity. - Yes, Sir. 262 00:35:25,240 --> 00:35:28,240 I have a bad feeling about this. 263 00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:48,920 This is where it happened. 264 00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:52,960 Let's get cracking. Fukov, you go in first. 265 00:35:53,080 --> 00:35:57,080 We do not know if a starship can survive entering that maggot hole. 266 00:35:57,320 --> 00:35:59,400 That's exactly why Fukov is going first! 267 00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:01,480 Oh yeah? Well thanks a lot! 268 00:36:25,720 --> 00:36:27,720 Message from the Kalinka: all clear. 269 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:33,160 Raise deflector plates and arm weapons. We're going after 'em! 270 00:36:56,960 --> 00:37:02,960 Dammit, it's like sailing thru Jello. Info, condensate, do something! 271 00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:07,880 Compensating by angling Hindenburg stabilizers across the ion field. 272 00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:12,960 The Quarton crystals should reach the correct frequency right... now. 273 00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:17,000 Yeah. Whatever. 274 00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:24,240 Sir, unidentified craft detected! - On the telly. 275 00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:37,000 They disappeared. But there ain't no planets in all this red Jello. 276 00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:41,880 Apparently, the ships activated some kind of local twist in space. 277 00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:46,400 We can duplicate the energy burst, which should open a similar twist... 278 00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:49,160 Stop yammering and just do it. 279 00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:52,320 Helm, take us after them! 280 00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:33,800 That was the last of our reinforcements. Now, we can... 281 00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:39,160 Hopgate opening, craft coming through. 282 00:38:39,240 --> 00:38:44,240 How many? - Forty. Type: unknown. 283 00:38:57,960 --> 00:39:03,960 Blast... If I'd only known when I accepted command of this station... 284 00:39:05,480 --> 00:39:11,160 I'd have done so with all the more zeal! We're here to keep the peace - 285 00:39:11,240 --> 00:39:17,240 and even if it meant killing every sentient being in the galaxy, we... 286 00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:22,960 Captain, this is hardly the time. - This is a question of principle. 287 00:39:23,080 --> 00:39:29,080 It is my right to make speeches, and I swear that no-one will deny me it. 288 00:39:30,520 --> 00:39:35,720 Not an enemy fleet, and especially not some embittered Commander - 289 00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:41,160 who likes to chew out garbage scow captains docking in handicap spaces! 290 00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:48,000 Is that clear? 291 00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:14,320 Sir, we're being hailed. - Oh... well, put it on the telly. 292 00:40:23,640 --> 00:40:29,640 This is Capt Sherrypie of the Babel 13. Please identify yourselves. 293 00:40:29,800 --> 00:40:31,080 They look just like people! 294 00:40:31,720 --> 00:40:35,720 This is Emperor Pirk, Supreme Commander of the P-Fleet. 295 00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:41,400 Info, that's a space station, right? Is the planet habitable? 296 00:40:41,560 --> 00:40:45,560 Not according to the scanners, Sir. - Shoulda known... 297 00:40:45,720 --> 00:40:49,720 We just came to say hello, since we happened to be close... 298 00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:53,560 ...us and the fleet. Where are you guys from, anyway? 299 00:40:53,720 --> 00:40:59,080 This station is neutral territory. We have visitors from Minibar, - 300 00:40:59,240 --> 00:41:04,800 Kentucky, Narc, and of course Earth. - Huh? We haven't been here before? 301 00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:10,560 Emperor, I assume we have arrived in a mirror dimension of our own world. 302 00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:14,960 Historical events may be different here, but some similarities exist. 303 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:17,080 So do you know where their Earth is? 304 00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:22,240 In theory, yes, assuming that our star-charts have the same stars. 305 00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:24,640 Another Earth... 306 00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:28,840 We'll conquer that! 307 00:41:29,080 --> 00:41:34,640 We'll secure this end of the maggot hole - that tube can't be too hard... 308 00:41:34,720 --> 00:41:39,720 Emperor! The line is still open. - I knew that. 309 00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:51,000 The day I joined the military, my father told me: 310 00:41:51,720 --> 00:41:57,720 "Son, you're none too bright, and won't be marrying into money either." 311 00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:05,160 "But you're human, Earth to Earth and all that." 312 00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:16,640 "So show some spine and come out and stop being a shame on your old man." 313 00:42:19,160 --> 00:42:21,800 Tell me, can we beat them? 314 00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:25,720 Given that we have deflector plates and they do not, it is possible... 315 00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:28,960 Yes, or no? - Yes. 316 00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:32,000 "...Mother Earth needs you today!" 317 00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:37,640 Bring us to light ball range and contact the rest of the fleet. 318 00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:44,320 ...so I came out and gave the blood sample. Now, Earth needs me again... 319 00:42:45,880 --> 00:42:51,880 Open fire at maximum range. Everyone pick targets and wait for my signal. 320 00:42:52,240 --> 00:42:59,240 ...and I know every man, woman and child on this station feels the same. 321 00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:08,160 The only way you can conquer Earth is over our dead bodies! 322 00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:15,560 Know that you shall pay dearly for every cubic inch of our space. 323 00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:23,720 We will fight you with sticks and stones, or even with our bare hands. 324 00:43:25,880 --> 00:43:31,560 The forces of darkness shall move no further! And if it took a thousand... 325 00:43:32,120 --> 00:43:35,000 Have some light balls. Fire. 326 00:43:35,160 --> 00:43:37,560 ...as a shining beacon in the night! 327 00:44:03,840 --> 00:44:08,080 ...in the face of beatniks from another dimension... 328 00:44:08,200 --> 00:44:13,200 What the hell! Close the blast doors! Activate the defense grid! 329 00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:17,400 Nice speech, Sir. 330 00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:39,000 Message from the Backgammon: 331 00:44:39,080 --> 00:44:43,560 Amigo class destroyers have reached optimal firing range. 332 00:44:46,800 --> 00:44:52,800 They're to attack the heavier ships. That'll show them we mean business. 333 00:44:57,880 --> 00:44:59,640 Fire! 334 00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:23,480 Saucer section penetrated! Serious damage to all decks! 335 00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:25,640 What's with my deflector plates?! 336 00:45:25,800 --> 00:45:31,800 Fascinating! It seems that our plates are useless in this universe. 337 00:45:43,720 --> 00:45:49,720 Skipper, the hull's taen a paikin, an the whisky barrels teuk a hit. 338 00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:55,880 Dinnae scart yer breeks, tho. Gien some duct tape and twa oors... 339 00:45:55,960 --> 00:46:00,240 You got two minutes! Fall back! 340 00:46:05,720 --> 00:46:08,720 All ships, cover me! 341 00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:30,400 Emperor, I just learned that we only have three light balls left. 342 00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:36,800 I'm filing a formal complaint! - Quit bitching and use twinklers. 343 00:47:12,960 --> 00:47:18,960 The Backgammon is being overpowered ...and we can't last long, either. 344 00:47:33,320 --> 00:47:36,560 Damn, this doesn't look good. 345 00:47:39,320 --> 00:47:45,320 I'm afraid we only have one recourse. - You don't mean-- 346 00:47:47,400 --> 00:47:50,400 Yes. We have to stall for time. 347 00:47:51,720 --> 00:47:57,720 I'm giving a speech! Raise the enemy command ship! 348 00:48:03,720 --> 00:48:06,720 Wait... the station is hailing us. 349 00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:16,400 A recording of Sherrypie begging for mercy would have propaganda value. 350 00:48:16,720 --> 00:48:21,720 Well receive it then if it'll shut you up. 351 00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:31,960 Babel 13 surrenders. Don't shoot, we have over 250,000 civilians here. 352 00:48:32,640 --> 00:48:35,640 What do I care about your civilians? 353 00:48:35,880 --> 00:48:40,880 And why would I be interested in a chock-full hunk o'junk of a station? 354 00:48:40,960 --> 00:48:46,960 Why don't you bring your crew over for some shore leave? 355 00:48:47,080 --> 00:48:51,800 You could also repair your fleet... - Our ships are fine. 356 00:48:51,880 --> 00:48:55,880 And shore leave can wait until after we've taken your Earth. 357 00:48:56,000 --> 00:49:01,480 Also, you could personally take Ivanovitsa's virginity! - WHAT? 358 00:49:02,160 --> 00:49:08,000 Well... lemme consider this. Oh, and throw all your guns out the airlock. 359 00:49:08,920 --> 00:49:10,920 It's an obvious trap! 360 00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:16,000 It'll be all right! We'll take along a couple sledfuls of security guards. 361 00:49:16,160 --> 00:49:21,640 The crew must have some time off. And these ships could use repairs. 362 00:49:22,240 --> 00:49:23,720 Figures. 363 00:49:23,800 --> 00:49:26,640 OK, Sherrypie. We accept your terms. 364 00:49:26,800 --> 00:49:32,800 Babel 13 is now officially part of the P-Fleet, renamed... 365 00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:36,000 ...the "Praise of Pirk's Greatness. " 366 00:49:37,240 --> 00:49:42,240 And no tricks, or you're toast! Pirk out. 367 00:49:44,800 --> 00:49:49,480 Dwarf, order all able security guys to the sledbay. 368 00:49:49,640 --> 00:49:54,640 You, and Info will stay on the Kickstart, just in case. 369 00:49:55,160 --> 00:50:00,160 If they try anything funny, blast the crap outta 'em! 370 00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:02,160 But wait till I've gotten off. 371 00:50:16,640 --> 00:50:19,640 Emperor's blog, dunno what Moondate. 372 00:50:20,400 --> 00:50:26,400 The P-Fleet wiped the floor with these Babel losers. 373 00:50:27,000 --> 00:50:33,000 We'll secure a base here and then go on to conquer their Earth. 374 00:50:33,560 --> 00:50:36,560 The crew'll get some rest, and... 375 00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:39,880 ...I figure I'll get some, too. 376 00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:48,800 Go get 'em, Tiger! 377 00:51:02,640 --> 00:51:04,640 ...Demanding landing clearance. 378 00:51:05,280 --> 00:51:10,280 Clearance granted in Hangar 1. Welcome to your station! 379 00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:16,320 This is too goddamn easy. - Tell me about it. 380 00:51:16,800 --> 00:51:20,320 Hey kid, is your insurance in order? - Why? 381 00:51:20,360 --> 00:51:23,800 I feel it in my bones, we won't be coming back. 382 00:51:23,880 --> 00:51:27,400 Nah, it can't be that bad. - Oh yeah? 383 00:51:27,480 --> 00:51:32,240 Last time it was supposed to be a cakewalk, my two buddies bought it. 384 00:51:32,400 --> 00:51:36,400 And that Japanese guy Kamikaze, he's never gonna walk again! 385 00:51:36,440 --> 00:51:41,400 And then there was... - Shut up! You're hurting the crew's moray! 386 00:51:52,560 --> 00:51:54,560 Is everything ready? 387 00:51:57,560 --> 00:52:00,560 What the hell are you smirking at? 388 00:52:03,960 --> 00:52:08,960 Sherrypie is so going to get it... Let's move! 389 00:52:55,480 --> 00:52:57,160 Where's Sherrypie? 390 00:52:57,240 --> 00:53:01,560 He couldn't stand defeat. He shot himself in the head, three times. 391 00:53:01,720 --> 00:53:05,720 If you wish to see the body... - Well I don't. 392 00:53:05,800 --> 00:53:09,800 But you can show me around the station. My station. 393 00:53:09,880 --> 00:53:12,400 Where would you like to start, Sir? 394 00:53:12,480 --> 00:53:17,480 How about your bedroom, you know, Sherrypie promised me something... 395 00:53:18,240 --> 00:53:20,240 Yes, Sir. 396 00:53:22,080 --> 00:53:28,080 This is Emperor Pirk. One-half of all crews can come aboard on leave. 397 00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:35,400 Oh, and nobody disturb me for the next fift... hour! Right, let's go. 398 00:53:49,880 --> 00:53:51,040 VICTORY PARTY 399 00:53:51,080 --> 00:53:53,080 Let's get wasted! 400 00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:53,520 Am I your first? 401 00:55:02,800 --> 00:55:08,800 Naah... I've had lots of women, after all, I am the Emperor... Yeah! 402 00:55:23,720 --> 00:55:28,560 Our scanners should now be correctly calibrated to this dimension. 403 00:55:28,640 --> 00:55:34,640 Interesting... I'm picking up energy readings from beyond the hopgate. 404 00:55:34,720 --> 00:55:36,840 I shall make some adjustments... 405 00:55:59,600 --> 00:56:04,600 Wait a minute... what's that? - Nothing, just a screen saver. 406 00:56:04,680 --> 00:56:06,880 Sir, Sir! 407 00:56:14,960 --> 00:56:18,960 Goddammit, it's a trap! - Very perceptive of you. 408 00:56:24,400 --> 00:56:28,400 The Excavator has arrived with our reinforcements. 409 00:56:34,040 --> 00:56:38,040 Evening, commander. - Festerbester... 410 00:56:38,080 --> 00:56:44,080 We were taking this new flagship for a spin, and decided to lend a hand. 411 00:56:45,160 --> 00:56:47,160 Where's Captain Giddyup? 412 00:56:47,240 --> 00:56:52,240 He was feeling unwell, and had to leave the ship under my command. 413 00:56:52,360 --> 00:56:57,360 I never thought I'd say this, but it's good to see you. 414 00:56:58,400 --> 00:57:02,400 Let's kick those bastards out of this galaxy! 415 00:57:12,720 --> 00:57:14,920 This is Captain Jonny K. Sherrypie. 416 00:57:15,080 --> 00:57:18,080 The rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated. 417 00:57:18,160 --> 00:57:20,160 Aww, crap. 418 00:57:21,200 --> 00:57:26,200 Starting immediately, we're retaking our station from these oppressors. 419 00:57:26,680 --> 00:57:32,680 Men of Babel, to arms! Defend that which is ours by right! 420 00:57:33,160 --> 00:57:36,640 Brown sector! On the double! To the Zicala! 421 00:57:36,680 --> 00:57:41,680 All P-Fleet personnel are under arrest under Earth martial law. 422 00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:45,320 They are not to be allowed to leave the station. 423 00:57:45,400 --> 00:57:48,880 Our reinforcements will deal with their fleet. 424 00:57:49,080 --> 00:57:53,600 To all P-Fleet personnel who surrender without resistance, - 425 00:57:53,640 --> 00:57:58,640 I promise a fair court-martial and a swift execution. 426 00:58:02,480 --> 00:58:07,480 There is a ship, registration ZEX-514, parked aft of the station - 427 00:58:07,520 --> 00:58:12,520 in a handicap space. Will the owner move it A.S.A.P. 428 00:58:30,040 --> 00:58:34,040 Activate the defense grid and open fire! 429 00:58:40,120 --> 00:58:46,120 The dishonorable traitors! I told them it's a trap! Me kill you! Kill! 430 00:58:53,400 --> 00:58:58,200 Control yourself, apeman. The Emperor and half our crews are still aboard. 431 00:58:58,240 --> 00:59:03,040 At least we'll destroy their ships. Kickstart to fleet, aim light balls! 432 00:59:03,120 --> 00:59:05,120 I believe I was placed in command. 433 00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:09,880 Kickstart to fleet: ignore the previous order. 434 00:59:09,960 --> 00:59:13,760 Aim light balls on attacking enemy ships and fire on my mark. 435 00:59:13,880 --> 00:59:17,080 Fleet reporting: practically all light balls expended. 436 00:59:17,200 --> 00:59:21,000 In that case, approach to twinkler range at full shove power. 437 00:59:21,080 --> 00:59:25,080 Our losses should not exceed 68.4 per cent. 438 00:59:25,160 --> 00:59:27,760 I guess it's a passable day to die. 439 00:59:50,600 --> 00:59:53,120 Blast it, I'll handle this! 440 00:59:53,600 --> 00:59:58,600 Lt Fubar! Don't go! - It is my destiny. 441 01:00:11,680 --> 01:00:17,680 Hey, it's war. People get killed, you know. 442 01:00:29,800 --> 01:00:33,600 Emperor Pirk! Order your men to lay down their arms. 443 01:00:33,640 --> 01:00:37,440 I guarantee a fair court-martial to all those who surrender. 444 01:00:37,480 --> 01:00:40,000 The P-Fleet will never surrender! 445 01:00:41,080 --> 01:00:43,480 And, I lost my communicator. 446 01:00:43,840 --> 01:00:48,840 Ivanovitsa, inform the enemy fleet that we've captured their Emperor. 447 01:00:49,480 --> 01:00:53,600 Cannot comply, Sir. That last hit disabled our communications systems. 448 01:00:53,680 --> 01:00:55,680 Darn. 449 01:00:55,720 --> 01:01:00,720 So. I'm no use to you anymore. How about I'll just scoot off? 450 01:01:10,160 --> 01:01:14,160 Weapons range attained! - Fire at will. 451 01:01:26,760 --> 01:01:32,760 When I joined the military, I swore to protect Earth against any enemy. 452 01:01:33,480 --> 01:01:39,480 I have faced starving Martian insurgents and the fleets of Minibar. 453 01:01:41,320 --> 01:01:47,320 All this I have done to protect the unified Earth, unified mankind... 454 01:01:49,560 --> 01:01:52,040 Enough with the speeches! Bastard! 455 01:01:52,880 --> 01:01:56,080 Very well, if you can't wait to die. 456 01:01:58,120 --> 01:02:04,120 Emperor Pirk, I sentence you to death for your crimes against humanity. 457 01:02:07,560 --> 01:02:13,560 You will be executed immediately, by five plasma pellets to the head. 458 01:02:13,640 --> 01:02:17,640 Don't take it like that! Go ahead with your speech! 459 01:02:17,680 --> 01:02:20,200 Ready... aim... 460 01:02:24,320 --> 01:02:29,320 Zounds! Why weren't those ceiling struts fastened properly? 461 01:02:51,840 --> 01:02:55,840 Zucker? You shall be avenged! 462 01:02:55,960 --> 01:03:01,960 All worked up over some security guy who died... 463 01:03:05,280 --> 01:03:07,280 Run, boys! I'll cover you! 464 01:04:02,880 --> 01:04:04,880 Let's roast them! 465 01:04:25,240 --> 01:04:27,240 My sled... 466 01:04:33,160 --> 01:04:35,680 Going somewhere, Emperor? 467 01:04:40,400 --> 01:04:42,920 Blast these struts! 468 01:04:43,360 --> 01:04:47,880 This station is a piece of crap! No turbolift, nothing! 469 01:04:51,440 --> 01:04:53,920 You can use the exercise! 470 01:04:54,440 --> 01:04:59,920 Why exercise when you can get one of these delivered to your home? 471 01:05:07,360 --> 01:05:12,360 Stop hiding, you! Now what's with this thing? 472 01:05:13,360 --> 01:05:15,840 Oh Jefferson! The batteries are out! 473 01:05:19,040 --> 01:05:24,040 Let's settle this like men - one on one. 474 01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:53,080 Stop whining, you wuss! Get up! 475 01:06:00,760 --> 01:06:03,280 This is for Zucker! 476 01:06:10,920 --> 01:06:13,440 So, Emperor. The game's over. 477 01:06:17,520 --> 01:06:20,520 Understand this, Pirk. War is war. 478 01:06:21,920 --> 01:06:26,000 You and me, as soldiers, know this better than anyone. 479 01:06:26,080 --> 01:06:31,080 But when you murdered my friend in cold blood, this became personal. 480 01:06:34,240 --> 01:06:39,240 I'll see to it that you die slowly, and have time to regret everything. 481 01:06:41,040 --> 01:06:45,560 Didn't anyone ever tell you your bootlaces are too long? 482 01:06:48,320 --> 01:06:52,320 My contact lenses! - Found 'em! 483 01:06:52,520 --> 01:06:57,040 Security guards to the hangar! - Coward! 484 01:07:19,440 --> 01:07:22,960 Enemy target destroyed. Moving on to next... 485 01:07:22,960 --> 01:07:24,680 Imperial Distress Call 486 01:07:24,720 --> 01:07:27,320 Pirk to Kickstart! Pirk to... 487 01:07:27,560 --> 01:07:29,880 Sir, we do hear you. 488 01:07:30,000 --> 01:07:36,000 Oh good. I'm in this sled. Come and get me ASAP. Them cowards set me up! 489 01:07:36,360 --> 01:07:40,360 You don't say, Sir. - They were no match for my cunning. 490 01:07:43,960 --> 01:07:46,480 Get over here and rescue me! 491 01:07:46,720 --> 01:07:50,720 Set a course for the Emperor's sled. - I'll just destroy this destroyer. 492 01:07:50,720 --> 01:07:54,720 Commander, it's an Imperial Distress Call. We're moving out. 493 01:07:54,800 --> 01:07:57,320 I have him in my sights. One second! 494 01:07:57,560 --> 01:08:02,560 The P-Fleet is not the Planet of the Apes. We obey a superior officer. 495 01:08:02,640 --> 01:08:05,160 I've had it with you, binary brains! 496 01:08:32,240 --> 01:08:36,760 Whatever you may think, the VCR remote stop button doesn't harm me. 497 01:08:36,800 --> 01:08:41,320 Now, perhaps we can go and help out the Emperor. 498 01:08:55,920 --> 01:09:01,920 Hayday to fleet. Are your crews back from R&R yet? 499 01:09:02,520 --> 01:09:08,520 Curses! Outflank the enemy. I want those heavy destroyers taken out now! 500 01:09:30,840 --> 01:09:33,320 Oh Thursday! 501 01:09:39,480 --> 01:09:43,480 Yeehaw! - All clear, Sir! 502 01:10:16,240 --> 01:10:20,240 What kept you guys? They almost got me! 503 01:10:20,320 --> 01:10:24,640 We came as soon as we could, limited by the performance of Cmdr Dwarf. 504 01:10:24,800 --> 01:10:27,320 Wars aren't won by avoiding battles. 505 01:10:27,560 --> 01:10:32,560 Enough with your sorry Plingon proverbs. Status report! 506 01:10:33,840 --> 01:10:37,960 We have lost 23 ships, and have 14 operational ships left. 507 01:10:38,080 --> 01:10:41,760 Enemy reinforcements are putting up a stiff fight. 508 01:10:41,880 --> 01:10:45,880 Additionally, our twinkle beams are powerless against their flagship. 509 01:10:45,920 --> 01:10:50,080 What the hell... are we armed with twinklers or flashlights? 510 01:10:50,200 --> 01:10:55,600 Light balls seem to work better - but the Kickstart only has nine left. 511 01:10:55,920 --> 01:10:58,400 I know: let's fire 'em all at once. 512 01:10:58,680 --> 01:11:02,680 And Dwarf, this is an important shot so I'm taking over. 513 01:11:02,760 --> 01:11:05,280 Sir, I really wouldn't recommend it. 514 01:11:05,600 --> 01:11:10,120 Maybe the range is too much for you, but for me it's a piece of pie. 515 01:11:10,320 --> 01:11:14,840 Computer, manual override of weapon systems. 516 01:11:16,280 --> 01:11:18,800 This is child's play. 517 01:11:50,680 --> 01:11:52,680 Goddammit. 518 01:11:56,240 --> 01:11:58,240 Dork. 519 01:12:01,120 --> 01:12:03,600 I had it in my sights, didn't I?! 520 01:12:06,440 --> 01:12:10,160 Sir, have you ever heard of leading the target? 521 01:12:10,240 --> 01:12:14,560 Lead? Can't these damn computers calculate it for me? 522 01:12:14,720 --> 01:12:19,000 When the target's in the crosshairs, the shots should hit! 523 01:12:21,400 --> 01:12:23,400 Child's play, indeed! 524 01:12:23,480 --> 01:12:28,400 You couldn't have hit it yourself. You rotten... Take a shower, stinker! 525 01:12:28,560 --> 01:12:31,320 Plingon warriors do not take showers! 526 01:12:35,400 --> 01:12:39,880 Sir, a hit from that attack would have caused serious damage. 527 01:12:39,960 --> 01:12:43,960 The enemy command ship may be a grave threat. 528 01:12:45,080 --> 01:12:49,080 The best defense is a good offense. Do something about them! 529 01:12:49,160 --> 01:12:53,160 ...Target and lock on the Kickstart... Ready the main gun... 530 01:13:00,560 --> 01:13:04,800 Heavy structural damage to starboard! - Shut up and keep firing! 531 01:13:04,880 --> 01:13:09,320 Their main gun is locking on us. - Well take evasionic action then. 532 01:13:09,960 --> 01:13:11,960 Evasionic action Pirk-7. 533 01:13:26,400 --> 01:13:28,880 Jefferson's jellies! Retreat, fast! 534 01:13:37,000 --> 01:13:40,000 Power will be back in 40 seconds. 535 01:13:40,840 --> 01:13:46,360 I'd like to know what whoever designed this weapon was thinking. 536 01:13:53,600 --> 01:13:58,600 I estimate that the enemy flagship can fire again in 17.3 seconds. 537 01:14:03,600 --> 01:14:09,120 Hey, let's hide behind the station. They won't dare shoot at us there. 538 01:14:28,800 --> 01:14:33,800 Finally. And where is our friend the Kickstart? 539 01:14:34,280 --> 01:14:38,480 Unknown, Sir. The blackout caused the targeting computer to reboot, - 540 01:14:38,520 --> 01:14:44,520 so we lost lock-on. But I'll track them down again in no time. 541 01:14:48,320 --> 01:14:54,320 Captain's blog: The Kalinka suffered heavy damage to halludeck circuits, - 542 01:14:54,600 --> 01:15:00,600 and we retreated for repairs. Most of the crew were on the halludeck - 543 01:15:00,760 --> 01:15:06,560 having a vodka party, and now the door seems to be stuck. 544 01:15:06,760 --> 01:15:12,760 Lt. Makarov, how are the repairs? - It'll be open in 10 minutes, Sir. 545 01:15:13,880 --> 01:15:18,880 No hurry. Looks like the battle will go on for some time. 546 01:15:30,400 --> 01:15:32,400 This is cold. 547 01:15:34,080 --> 01:15:39,080 Ouch! Holy shit. Hey, guys. 548 01:15:40,160 --> 01:15:44,160 According to our scanners, the Kalinka still has 20 light balls. 549 01:15:44,240 --> 01:15:48,240 That Russkie coward been holding back again? 550 01:15:48,280 --> 01:15:53,280 If we ask Capt Fukov to deliver his light balls to us, we can close in... 551 01:15:53,800 --> 01:15:58,800 And blast them to pieces! Only I might do the targeting this time. 552 01:15:59,080 --> 01:16:02,080 Like hell you will! This is my show. 553 01:16:02,640 --> 01:16:07,120 Esteemed Emperor, it seems you tore off your joy stick on that last try. 554 01:16:08,160 --> 01:16:14,160 OK. You shoot, but you'd better hit. Open a channel to Fukov! 555 01:16:21,880 --> 01:16:23,400 Hi there. 556 01:16:23,480 --> 01:16:28,960 What've you done? Not one hit, but your ship is in pieces. 557 01:16:31,080 --> 01:16:34,080 We had some technical problems. 558 01:16:35,400 --> 01:16:41,400 Get the Kalinka over here, load all your light balls on a sled, and... 559 01:16:46,360 --> 01:16:52,360 ...bring them to the Kickstart. - Come again? You're breaking up. 560 01:16:54,440 --> 01:16:59,960 Send the whole case. And pack them well or they'll warm up in transit. 561 01:17:08,160 --> 01:17:10,160 Hokay... 562 01:17:23,400 --> 01:17:28,400 The enemy is pressing on our fleet. Should we withdraw to regroup? 563 01:17:29,240 --> 01:17:31,040 No. 564 01:17:36,160 --> 01:17:38,160 Have you located the Kickstart yet? 565 01:17:38,320 --> 01:17:42,320 Yes, Sir. It's sitting next to the Babel-13. But our ships... 566 01:17:42,400 --> 01:17:46,880 ...are able to look after themselves. We shall destroy the Kickstart. 567 01:17:46,960 --> 01:17:52,440 I sense these spineless worms only fight for fear of their Emperor. 568 01:17:52,760 --> 01:17:57,760 The loss of their flagship will crush their spirit and secure our victory. 569 01:18:10,520 --> 01:18:13,520 The light ball loader is calling. 570 01:18:13,640 --> 01:18:17,400 Sir, the shipment from the Kalinka just arrived from the sled bay. 571 01:18:17,440 --> 01:18:21,200 High time, too. - What am I supposed to do with it? 572 01:18:21,240 --> 01:18:25,080 What do you think, pea brain? Stuff 'em in the light ball tubes! 573 01:18:25,160 --> 01:18:28,880 "This is the light ball loader, what do I do with light balls?" 574 01:18:28,960 --> 01:18:31,440 "Hide 'em under my bed?" 575 01:18:32,080 --> 01:18:35,800 That's the last time I ever recruit my crew from Russia. 576 01:18:35,800 --> 01:18:38,320 Ready to execute the plan, Sir. 577 01:18:38,800 --> 01:18:41,320 Get us into a firing position. 578 01:18:52,000 --> 01:18:58,000 Sir, the Kickstart left the side of the Babel 13 and is heading at us. 579 01:19:03,840 --> 01:19:08,920 This is Emperor Pirk! Any last words before we blast you to bits? 580 01:19:09,000 --> 01:19:11,520 Ah, the Emperor. We meet at last. 581 01:19:12,000 --> 01:19:16,600 I regret to say your pitiful attempt only makes me feel sorry for you. 582 01:19:16,680 --> 01:19:19,280 We'll see who's sorry after 20 light balls! 583 01:19:23,680 --> 01:19:25,880 Prepare the twist drive. 584 01:19:29,480 --> 01:19:35,480 They are making this too easy... but never look a gift horse in the mouth. 585 01:19:36,240 --> 01:19:40,720 Captain, if you would, please. - ... Prepare the main gun... 586 01:19:43,160 --> 01:19:46,040 Twist drive... Now! 587 01:19:54,480 --> 01:19:57,000 Pirk's cunning strikes again. 588 01:19:59,600 --> 01:20:04,080 Lightballs locked onto their bridge. - Say Onara, suckers. Fire! 589 01:20:11,960 --> 01:20:13,960 The Corps is Momma and Granny. 590 01:20:19,000 --> 01:20:21,000 Direct hits on bridge! 591 01:20:21,080 --> 01:20:25,600 ...With light balls loaded with 12-oz. beer bottles. 592 01:20:27,640 --> 01:20:31,640 Fukooooov! - What? 593 01:20:34,840 --> 01:20:40,840 What... was... your big idea... with these light balls? 594 01:20:45,120 --> 01:20:47,640 Light balls? What light balls? 595 01:20:48,600 --> 01:20:54,600 I told you to send over your light balls you braindead Commie mutant! 596 01:20:56,240 --> 01:20:59,240 No, you asked for "light beer". 597 01:21:01,800 --> 01:21:04,800 Enemy ship returning fire. - Get outta the way! 598 01:21:04,880 --> 01:21:06,880 Too late. 599 01:21:12,520 --> 01:21:16,200 Massive damage taken! - One twist drive destroyed! 600 01:21:16,240 --> 01:21:19,640 Lost connections for twinkle banks 3 thru 11! 601 01:21:19,720 --> 01:21:23,320 Computer helpdesk went bankrupt! - Halludeck going offline! 602 01:21:23,360 --> 01:21:25,360 Coffee-o-Matic damaged beyond repair! 603 01:21:42,880 --> 01:21:46,320 Ne'er mind that, she's gaun tae blow! 604 01:21:46,400 --> 01:21:51,240 The twist core just breuk an thare's antimaterial gas awgates. 605 01:21:51,400 --> 01:21:56,400 Well fix it! Return fire! - Weapon systems are inoperable. 606 01:21:56,480 --> 01:22:01,480 Furthermore, our twist core will split in 3.6 minutes. 607 01:22:05,720 --> 01:22:11,320 At least we'll take the bastard with us! Set collision course! 608 01:22:16,720 --> 01:22:22,240 How pathetic. Our next shot will take them out. Captain! 609 01:22:22,360 --> 01:22:24,880 ...Ready the main gun... 610 01:22:29,480 --> 01:22:35,480 Sir, somehow the beer seems to have corroded all control circuits. 611 01:22:35,720 --> 01:22:38,040 The main gun is out of action. 612 01:22:38,160 --> 01:22:45,160 Fine then. We'll do it the hard way. Secondary guns, fire! 613 01:22:54,120 --> 01:22:57,120 Gimme all you got! You can't hurt me! 614 01:22:58,080 --> 01:23:02,280 You are a good sport, but as you can see, you are finished. 615 01:23:02,360 --> 01:23:08,360 Well I have the last laugh. And it's on you and your silly leather gloves. 616 01:23:09,120 --> 01:23:15,120 Arrogant insect. Full speed ahead! We have the mass advantage! 617 01:23:36,240 --> 01:23:39,720 Okay, Fukov. Disengage the sucking beam, and break to the right. 618 01:23:39,800 --> 01:23:41,800 Sure, Sir! 619 01:23:51,160 --> 01:23:56,800 Emperor, there's a slight problem... - You stupid moron! 620 01:23:56,920 --> 01:24:00,920 26 seconds to impact. - Fukooov! 621 01:24:03,120 --> 01:24:10,120 You're gonna get us all killed! Waitaminit! What's this? 622 01:24:10,800 --> 01:24:14,800 It's... it's the spare stick! - Spare stick? 623 01:24:14,880 --> 01:24:17,880 2.1 seconds to impact! 624 01:24:44,800 --> 01:24:47,800 See you in Reykjavik! 625 01:24:52,160 --> 01:24:53,640 Oh, crap. 626 01:25:40,000 --> 01:25:42,000 The situation looks bad, Sir. 627 01:25:42,160 --> 01:25:46,160 The fleet is decimated and the enemy is setting up to attack the station. 628 01:25:46,240 --> 01:25:50,240 Erm, I take it that the defense grid has been activated? 629 01:25:50,320 --> 01:25:54,320 It would be, if there was anything left of it. 630 01:25:56,160 --> 01:25:59,160 Hi guys, how's it hangin'? 631 01:26:01,480 --> 01:26:05,480 Are you drunk? - No. 632 01:26:08,160 --> 01:26:14,160 I'm absolutely wasted! - So you fell off the wagon again. 633 01:26:15,880 --> 01:26:21,880 They don't call me Garybrandy for nothin'. 634 01:26:24,880 --> 01:26:30,880 But hey, who cares. We'll soon all be dead, anyway. 635 01:26:32,240 --> 01:26:34,720 There must be something we can do. 636 01:26:35,240 --> 01:26:41,240 Sure. We can take them bastards with us. 637 01:26:44,720 --> 01:26:49,240 The fusion reactor's warming up nicely. 638 01:26:49,400 --> 01:26:50,880 What? 639 01:26:52,720 --> 01:26:55,720 I disconnected the cooling system. 640 01:26:57,960 --> 01:27:00,960 The fireworks should start in about 15 minutes. 641 01:27:01,080 --> 01:27:06,080 This is mutiny! Reconnect the system immediately! 642 01:27:06,560 --> 01:27:11,080 Wait! Mike may be right. What other options do we have? 643 01:27:11,400 --> 01:27:15,800 We will fight till the last! - We have nothing left to fight with! 644 01:27:15,880 --> 01:27:21,880 No! We have men, PPB's, our fists! When they come to take the station.. 645 01:27:22,640 --> 01:27:27,640 My guess is that after the last time, Pirk won't try to TAKE the station. 646 01:27:29,320 --> 01:27:35,320 So all we gotta do is keep 'em close for a little while longer. 647 01:27:39,080 --> 01:27:44,080 Jonny, you need to relax a bit. Wanna drink? 648 01:27:53,400 --> 01:27:56,400 Effin' traitors. You are SO toast. 649 01:27:58,320 --> 01:28:03,800 Babel 13 surrenders unconditionally. - Dwarf, warm up the twinkle banks. 650 01:28:04,640 --> 01:28:10,640 But don't you think it'd be better to shoot from a closer range? 651 01:28:10,800 --> 01:28:15,800 Beams traveling across all that space would waste a lot of energy. 652 01:28:16,000 --> 01:28:21,480 Good idea! Tell the fleet to move to point blank range and lock on. 653 01:28:22,000 --> 01:28:26,320 It seems the station's power plant is approaching critical mass. 654 01:28:26,400 --> 01:28:30,000 What? They're trying to pull a fast one again! 655 01:28:30,160 --> 01:28:32,600 Who would've thought. 656 01:28:32,640 --> 01:28:35,120 Gimme full twist! 657 01:28:38,320 --> 01:28:40,320 It's not working! 658 01:28:40,440 --> 01:28:46,440 Sir, we're losing antimaterial gas, and can only use half shove power. 659 01:28:47,240 --> 01:28:51,240 It'll have to do. All power to shove engines! 660 01:28:56,240 --> 01:29:02,240 Oh, and inform the rest of the fleet. - Sure, Sir. 661 01:29:05,520 --> 01:29:07,520 Hello, Carlo's Sex Line. 662 01:29:08,080 --> 01:29:15,080 We need to hurry, things are so hot. - Sounds exciting, what do I do? 663 01:29:16,240 --> 01:29:19,960 The Emperor says to pull out before it pops! 664 01:29:20,080 --> 01:29:24,080 Fukov, what's taking so long? Did you inform the fleet or what? 665 01:29:24,160 --> 01:29:28,160 Yeah, Captain Carlo answered. - Who's Carlo? 666 01:29:28,280 --> 01:29:32,600 Critical mass in 38 seconds. - Into the jello hole, and fast! 667 01:29:37,120 --> 01:29:40,120 Our fearless leader is running away. 668 01:29:40,280 --> 01:29:44,800 Message to the fleet: All ships, follow the Emperor. 669 01:29:49,400 --> 01:29:51,920 The enemy fleet is withdrawing! 670 01:29:53,760 --> 01:29:59,760 We made it! Garybrandy, shut down the reactor immediately! 671 01:29:59,840 --> 01:30:01,320 I'm almost there! 672 01:30:24,760 --> 01:30:29,760 EMERGENCY REACTOR SHUTDOWN 673 01:30:46,720 --> 01:30:48,240 Oh peanuts! 674 01:31:09,440 --> 01:31:14,680 Where the hell is the rest of my fleet? Fukov, didn't you reach them? 675 01:31:22,240 --> 01:31:24,240 Hurry up! 676 01:32:05,520 --> 01:32:11,520 Alright. Great job. - You can't win every time, Sir. 677 01:32:11,720 --> 01:32:17,720 And who asked you? Info, where the hell are we, anyway? 678 01:32:18,040 --> 01:32:23,040 One moment. I'm recalibrating our scanners for our dimension. 679 01:32:35,000 --> 01:32:37,280 What the hell? 680 01:32:37,360 --> 01:32:41,160 This end of the maggot hole must have shifted in time-space. 681 01:32:41,280 --> 01:32:43,280 Avoid that planet! 682 01:32:44,240 --> 01:32:46,760 Insufficient energy for shove power. 683 01:32:50,560 --> 01:32:53,040 Beam us onto the planet! 684 01:32:53,120 --> 01:32:57,120 There's only enough energy to transfer three people. 685 01:32:57,280 --> 01:33:00,280 Info, Dwarf, get ready to beam down! 686 01:33:11,040 --> 01:33:14,040 Not to worry! It'll be all right. 687 01:34:25,720 --> 01:34:31,720 OK, Info. How about letting us know where the hell we are? 688 01:34:31,960 --> 01:34:34,240 Hawaii, on Earth. 689 01:34:34,360 --> 01:34:38,360 So where are all the surfers and hula hula dancers, smart guy? 690 01:34:38,480 --> 01:34:42,480 Some 11,000 years in the future. - What? 691 01:34:42,520 --> 01:34:46,520 I assume the maggot hole put us on Earth, during the Ice Age. 692 01:34:46,680 --> 01:34:49,680 The Ice Age? Now what're we gonna do? 693 01:34:53,360 --> 01:34:57,360 How about shooting ourselves before the twinklers freeze? 694 01:34:59,120 --> 01:35:04,120 In a low-power mode, I believe I can make it until the 21st century, - 695 01:35:04,320 --> 01:35:09,320 and prevent the fateful invasion campaign from taking place. 696 01:35:11,080 --> 01:35:16,080 So that none of this ever happened? Then I'll be saved! 697 01:35:16,640 --> 01:35:18,640 Hm. In a way. Yes. 698 01:36:16,000 --> 01:36:19,000 English Translation by Antti Hukkanen